He start to fade into awareness. “Where am I? What happen to me? Why do I hear a beeping sound? Still drowsy and feeling alien to his own body he try to open his eyes as if he knows something wasn’t right. Someone needs him to react to life, wasting energy trying to open his eyes. He doze off but not before hearing the cry of an angel. Which bring him back to the surface of consciousness only to fall into a faint sleep.
It’s been three days and he’s still in a coma. “Why God? Why didn’t I realize that I love him? Why won’t he wake you? If he love me that much he would wake up. I’m scared, I didn’t realize that all my life it was him.” As she lays her head on the hospital bed still sitting beside him. Crying once again from the painful thoughts of losing him.
Nurses walking in and out all thinking the tragic drama unfolding before them was so hurtful for the newlywed bride. Who never left her husband bed side.
I feel so lose without you she cried. Feelings of guilt stay strongly with in her when family and friends come to show support. Questioning herself whether she could live after this if she lose him. It funny that six months in their relationship he had made sure that she would always be taken care of. Never needing to depend on anyone should anything happen to him. At the time she thought it was funny that he would do that for her when she was still looking for the perfect husband. This bring more tears thinking how much he had to love her even when all she selfishly wanted was the wedding day.
“God please, please God I need him. Please I’ll do anything. Please I know I don’t deserve his love but please hear me. Please answer my prayers I’m begging I’m pleading. I don’t want to live without him.”
He starts to open his eyes as the sound of an angel cry pierce his ears. Coming into reality only to touch her head.
“Why are you crying angel?” he reply to her surprise scream as she continue to cry even harder in relief.
As the nursing team rush in to check the patient vitals and condition. She continue to thank God for answering her prayers. Happy to see that his condition showed sign of full recovery. Explaining to him what happen to put him in a coma. He had an anxiety attack which led to a minor heart attack shutting his body down that place him in that state. Evening going on to tell him about his wife devotion at his hospital bed.
Seeing her cry really bought him back to reality. And when the nursing team exit he said boldly. “I don’t care if this condition make you stay at my side I’m never letting you go. Even if this happen again just so you can be with me. You’re not leaving me, I’ll make you happy even if I die trying.”
The reply was shocking to his hears as she agree racing over to hold him in her arms.
“I mean it, he goes on “I’m seriously not giving you up.”
“I don’t want you to, even if I don’t have another wedding day. I told God that if he give you back to me that I would never leave you. Because I realize that I love you and you’re the only person for me. And when you get better we are going to start making those kids. If something ever happen to you again I realize that I have nothing of you to hold on to. I need something to live for that is a part of both you and me.”
And as the couple hold on to each other in relief the real angel in the room was over joy because the angel knows that the kids they were just discussing, one of them was already present with in her. Smiling to himself knowing that God had chosen his parents wisely.
She made her decision as she come out of the bathroom without shutting off the showers. She look up at him, and he could tell that all his fears were confirm. She was leaving him.
“Look, she says I am sorry but this is not going to work.”
Playing dumb he just looks at her as if he doesn’t understand.
She continue moving forward in the room not caring of his size or pretending she wasn’t afraid of this situation.
“I made a mistake, this morning I woke up and realize that I really don’t know you that well. Although we dated for almost a year I didn’t know you had tattoos or how built you were.”
Panicking in disbelief he yell “Stop I don’t want to hear this, because we’re going back to bed.”
Crossing the room to take her by the hand, her fear makes her pick up the lamp on the table next to where she’s standing.
“What are you doing?” He knows he sounded irrational but his whole life was flashing before his eyes.
“I can’t do this, it was like a dream. Everything was so perfect and I want it to stay that way. That’s all I ever wanted was the perfect wedding day.” She cries.
“Don’t you think I know that?” grabbing her and slamming the lamp against the wall in their hotel room. He holds her so close to his heart and she feels the beats accelerated with his fear.
To scare to reply to his question she allow him to hold her. At this point he isn’t thinking and kisses her on the head and face. Just touching her all over as if he was dreaming and what happen before was not happening. She’s responding and right before she’s about to lose to sexually hunger. She stop herself. “I can’t.”
But he doesn’t let go of holding her, now he’s making packs with every God known and unknown to man. He says, “Look if you want another wedding we’ll save and every year for the rest of our life together we will have a wedding.”
Shock by his reply she’s speechless.
“I know that that’s why you married me, after years of wanting you I finally have you. I’ll do whatever it take to keep you.”
What was he thinking was the only thing running in her head? No man would sacrifice so much for any woman.
“What if I want a car every year or house? What if I want to stay at home and do nothing? What if I want designer clothes and want to go shopping every day of the week? What if I don’t want kids I know we talk about that but still? Can you be that selfless?” The look on his face told her that he was willing to do anything to keep her. Her heart started to pound and the dream began to fade. And she realize something in her wasn’t right, why was she so concern about him making sacrifices for her.
“Whatever you want, I know I wanted kids. But in reality I only want to see my seeds growing inside you. I wanted children to emulate my love for you.”
He sick with hurt and pain. Not knowing to the both of them that he physically sick not just emotionally sick. As dizziness set in and he’s passing out he says “I love you.”
I look over “Good she still asleep, my beautiful wife.” Yesterday was just another day for me, I was always ready for our forever. This is the one women I’ve waited my whole life for, not just a wedding day. I mean it was good and all, but really expensive. I want to give her everything she ever dream of or wanted. So she’ll be content with her decision when she realize she chose me.
I remember long ago seeing her on the playground. A ray of light catching her hair eternally creating an angel in my head. I would tell my friends that she was it, my one and only.
I could remember falling in love with her, the time the day the year.
Everything in my heart told me that this was something beyond mankind and she would be there place in my heart forever.
Even when she never looked at me over the years while we was growing up I’ve love her more and more. And I’m not talking about a selfish love, I wanted her to be happy so I never spoke of my feelings.
“I mean I tried to date other woman but my heart was never in it.”
“All I would think about was her, even when I had sex with somebody else.”
“Just thinking about sex makes me hard, I wonder should I wake her. After last night I’m pretty sure she’ll be happy. We was up until four this morning. It was worth the wait. Hell this was the longest I had ever been celibate in my life. Almost twenty-two months. I don’t even know how I did it.”
I guess they say if you really want something you do whatever it takes to get it. I think back to the weeks before when our kisses would get heated. It feels good just to be with her now. Holding her all over, “Man, I have to wake up her.”
Laying a cross and looking down as she start to move. I’m watching and waiting looking at her just to see her reaction. She seem happy at first. Then as I continue to watch her, everything starts to sink in.
She look over as I pretend to sleep. Looking as if she doesn’t recognize me as if she married someone else.
Why is she looking at my body and my head that way?
Hell I know I’m in shape because all those night without sex was spent at the gym.
Lost in my thoughts she get up and I say “Baby come back to bed.”
She races to the bathroom even with my head spending with hurt from her rejection. I hear the door slam and the shower running as if she’s washing. Even when I know how much she hates showers.
Is this it the end when we just began, “Hell no I’m not going out like a suck when I know she love me.”
I jump up and knock on the door. And before I can think rationally my fear consume me and I’m threating to break the door down.
My dream was yesterday but the nightmare begin to today.
I had this vision this work of art. Streaming of lights, beautiful array of memories, as a paradise with in our love. I cried, he cried, we cried together. It was my greatest wishes a kaleidoscope of color blending, erupting to the phoenix of passion that was our wedding. Although we’ve out lived our dreams from kids, this was more than living a childhood dream, this was reaching a whole new world. It was beyond the heaven, beyond the stars and the universe, it was beyond creation of life. It was our day were the smile never left my face. I remember everyone saying to me, that this could not be reality. So I believe that this day was all we needed. It was so perfect, so moving, so everything, I was pretty sure that no one else would ever be able to devise a day like ours. Then I woke up, this morning with my head lying next to his. I realize that the day before was all I saw of him. The “Him” that everyone said was perfect for me. The “Him” who care for me thought sickness and health even before the vows were spoken. The “Him” that came to me on a white horse full armor slaying dragons. But this “Him” I didn’t recognize at all. “Wait a minute was I dreaming about our wedding day?”
“Could it be that we haven’t had our day yet, and this was just an illusion. Maybe this is a dream because I told myself that the next person I slept with would most definitely be my husband. And momma didn’t raise no fool.”
“I have a ring on my finger. What about him? He has one on his.”
“So yeah we had to have gotten married”
“Was his head always shape like that, Oh my God he has all those tattoos. He look like a baseball player.”
“How did I miss all this stuff? What was I thinking of? Waited a minute I have to get up.”
Then he said “Baby come back to bed.”
And my heart start pounding and I’m racing to the bathroom before I throw up. Locking the door and turning on the shower. How could I marry someone I’m pretty sure I don’t know? I just realize he can’t be the man for me. Okay even though the wedding was pretty I’ll just have to do it all over again something prettier. Yes that’s right. I’ll make it even prettier all over again. I can choose another color for the pretty dresses of my wedding party. My friend would understand. My next fiancé can pick his side of the bridal party, with his grooms’ men and their colors. That’s right I’ll just have to start all over with another groom, I’ll have to get a divorce first. Another venue, different foods, and better décor. I will not lose this dream. Then there a knock on the door.
And he said “If you don’t come out of there now I’ll break the door down.”
Should I believe him he is pretty big maybe I should just tell him this was wrong he’ll understand. I made the mistake…..
After all you put me through you still not happy why is it that you’re so angry?
I ask you that not to see where you are mind wises.
I want to see the heart of your crazy.
I sit here on this plane of thoughts of course.
Still not believing why you’re hurt.
Oh you tell me all the time and I should take your word for what its’ worth.
It’s just that I’m not normal I listen only to get confuse all over again.
Only to become so puzzle.
I know it isn’t me because if I didn’t speak to you in the next life I think God would understand.
I’m in a bubble all by myself blowing in the wind.
Okay so I’m lost but sooner or later I’ll be found.
Okay so I don’t meet your needs but I meet someone else’s wants.
I think you thought I would be different and still all I show is indifferent.
I try to be a good girl but the little demon on my left did something to the angel on my right.
I can’t seem to find the little angel but to be honest I really haven’t tried.
If I was to walk away you would still blame me.
If I was to leave you alone you would still see that as an attack.
It’s kill you that I still breathe.
Quick let play hide and go-seek I’ll be it.
Believe me when I tell you I’m looking just don’t stop hiding.
And to make the game fun here a million just get loss.
I carry love in me running so deep that it spring free like an ocean.
I don’t care who or what you are.
It’s funny how even when I don’t tried somehow you come back as a bad penny.
So that’s it, okay I got it.
I guess if I agree with everything that would make you happy.
So yes, and yes, oh and yes, okay yes, oh and yes to that too.
You see I can cater to your whims.
Whatever it is you want I’ll give?
But first one more thing I’m not sure how you’re going to take this.
I regret to tell you that I’m no longer half, sorry for the inconvenient.
You’ll just have to find someone else because that’s what you want.
I was driving myself insane. Traveling alone by bus and train.
Getting to work in a new place with no car. Three buses, one manta some say that’s still not far.
Talking to myself I look up. The Words on the book was so abrupt.
It was a sign about my life in a nut shell. The book looked good I could tell.
I watch because the smile on his face was sweet. This moment in time that we were meant to meet.
In a rush I ask out loud was it good? On a crowded bus not thinking to myself if I should.
He turn to me peaceful and relaxed. Not annoyed at all not trouble or taxed
He reply so strongly I think so. Who was the author I wanted to know.
Again he spoke up I’m the author this book is mines. Looking at the confident in his present had me lose for time.
Again at this point in my life were there’s moments of disbelief. I’m a writer myself to scared to publish with no relief.
We began to talk on a long bus ride. I asked all the question that fear could not hide.
He answered truly with knowledge he gain. And from my understanding we write in spite of pain.
We write whether good or bad. We write in moments when we’re mad.
We write because we cannot stop. We write whether we place bottom or on top.
In our brief moment it blew my mind. Talking to him came from a dream that was so divine.
My fears was gone and I was glad. The long bus ride was over from the time we had.
I want to know more I could not stop. Unfortunately he had to go so my bubble then pop.
He handed me his book and sign it too. Giving words from the heart that was true.
He said look him up and we would stay in touch. To be friends with an author was my life such?
My day was a flow of unreal. Each word I had bottle up I could feel.
So now you know that I feared my plan. Until my destiny step in and took me in hand.
So we talk and I’m now a publish author too. All because an encounter with an author, I then knew what to do.
Thank you Mr. Mark Dudley
You’re chasing me like a ramming ox with no understanding of who I am. Get off me. The pussy ain’t that good anyway. Not that good.
Breathing smoke down my neck stating your claim. How funny you would do anything just to get my attention. Always talking about me to whoever would listen. I laugh at you the foolishness of a man who want control of me. Even if you take it all your still not satisfy because you want me to watch as you hold it hypothetically in your hands. But wait you continue to want me there so you can point the things out that you will later discover I can, can’t, or won’t do. All because you are my God and I must forever be prophesize to I’m just telling you that it ain’t that… good anyway.
Yes I know love don’t love no body. I know that it a thin line between love and hate. I can sit here and give you a million and one songs to describe all the cliché about love but who has time for that. Move on move forward just move. Stop thinking just because we had sex you now own me because in reality the pu…. It ain’t that good anyway.
You struggle with everything I do watching while I really seriously ignoring you. It has been brought to my attention that you have problems as you live your dreams. Always expecting me to look on when I’ve moved on Hell I’m talk about the…. Your stokes didn’t drive me wild. And I promise I didn’t fall enlove with your dick.
So why am I writing this why am I bring it up now because I realize if I give what you want the old me maybe you feel I’m not worth your time. So maybe you’ll forget about me and you can bet your life on this it ain’t that good anyway.